Shadow Tears
by houdinishideaway
Summary: Ever since Sirus died, Snape has been troubled. Ever wonder how Snape feels? This tells his POV. NOT SLASH! kinda dark and sad. worth reading.


"Shadow Tears" 

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Warning: 

Contains a very major spoiler from Order of the Phoenix. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: 

I am not JK Rowlings and I own nothing from the Harry Potter universe. So don't sue people. It's not nice. :- 

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Sitting alone in the shadows of his office, Severus Snape sighed. 

He hated to admit it to himself, but he knew that this was his fault. Sirus Black dead. Snape may have hated that man, but he never wanted him dead. Snape had never wanted anyone dead. That was why he had left the Deatheaters. He just didn't have it in him to be a murderer. Oh sure, taunting and being cruel to the students was one thing but actually taking a life? That was quite another. Snape had only joined the Deatheaters out of family obligations. His parents were Dark Wizards themselves, they pushed him into being a Death eater along with all his older brothers. 

A frown spread across the tired face of the broken Potions master. The empty hallowed out feeling that always came to him whenever he thought about his brothers was there. Severus Snape. The youngest of a pureblood wizzarding family as old as any. All of his brothers had been killed by Aurors long before the night Lord Voldemort gave Harry Potter that scar. The oldest son, Savuclaw, was the last to die. Savuclaw Salazar Snape, ten years his senior, had been his idol growing up. Whatever Savuclaw did was perfect, and he was pride and joy of his parents. When his father found out about the death of their beloved elder son, Snape's father died slowly of grief, and his mother wasted away into madness. Snape hadn't been to St. Mungos to see his mother in over a decade. His father clung to life for only two years after the death. Snape had never been to his grave, he wasn't even sure where it was since he had not been there to attend the funeral service. After his last brother died, Snape left the Deatheaters. With no family to push him into it, there was no reason for him to stay, and his parents were too crazed to care. 

And now that Sirus Black was dead, Severus Snape felt as if he had lost his brother all over again. Snape had hated him so much. Afterall, Black had treated him like the dog Black transformed into all through out their years at Hogwarts. He had been picked on, and abused for no reason at all. And yet, Snape knew that he was just as bad as Black. He had tormented him, knowing that Black was miserable about being stuck in Grimewald Place, but he still tormented him and called him useless. Guilt charred his heavy heart. It was his fault that this man was dead. He'd made Sirus Black feel so worthless and depressed that he would not have listened to Dumbledore when Dumbledore told him to stay behind the night of the battle at the Ministry. If he had managed to set aside his own hard feeling about the way he had been treated by James Potter, maybe he could have kept on teaching Harry Occulemency, and Harry would not have had the vision of Sirus Black being tortured. If Snape hadn't been so wretched towards Harry, then maybe the boy would have remembered that Snape was in the Order, and came to him straight away. 

What if Snape had acted different? Was the death of Sirus Black inevitable? Snape hated knowing that he was partly responsible for the destruction of the only father figure Harry ever knew. Snape didn't really hate that boy. He pitied him quite a bit, but Harry's father had been so unkind and the two of them looked so much alike, that Snape couldn't help but find savage pleasure in the bullying of Harry Potter. Snape knew that he had grown up in a home where he was bullied by his horrible relatives and humiliated at school by his cousin, so much like the way that the Maurders had treated Snape at school. Maybe some harassment was good for that boy, maybe it would keep him getting the swelled head that his father had. But then again, Snape knew that he was not a noble man, and he couldn't pretend his bullying of Harry had a noble intention. No, Snape just liked getting a little revenge. 

But that was immoral and cruel. What if Snape had acted differently?

Snape's thoughts were back at his brother. What was it that his brother had always said? 

"Don't worry about the What-ifs in life, little brother. All they do is get you down, and you don't need that. Just focus on what you can do now." 

Snape could hear his oldest brother's voice as clearly as if somebody turned on one of those Muggle radios behind him. In the shadows of his office, a hallucination of his beloved brothers face flashed appeared.

"Savuclaw? You were a fool, and you were evil. I wanted to be so much like you. I worshipped you. I joined the Deatheaters because you did. Why couldn't you have been a better role model for me? You killed all those innocent people, both Muggles and magical! They didn't deserve to die, and you deserved a better life than that of a murderer."

The hallucination of his brother's face faded. Ironically, Snape noticed that his brother looked an awful lot like Sirus Black.

His face half concealed by the shadows, the broken potions master was shocked to feel the first tear he had cried since his brothers death roll down his face. 

"I may have hated you, but I didn't want you to die, Sirus." he said before turning to leave the room.

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Author's Note:

Well, what did you think of this little ficlet? I love getting reviews! They really brighten up my day. I would like to apologize for any typos. 

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